Posted By timothy on December 6, 2009

Romance is dead. It was as old as time itself.

Doctors at the downtown clinic pronounced its demise at 12:52 a.m. after a long illness

Romance suffered from a host of ailments, including loss of morality, vulgarity and carnal lust. Doctors said romance died alone; its last words, “Once upon a time, it was sweet…but—“ No one was sure if romance meant ‘but’ spelled with one, or two t’s.

Romance came into existence in the beginning, as a gift from God. Though there was no birth certificate to confirm as much, most close to romance believe it originated in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. Over the next two-plus millenniums it was associated with such twosomes as Romeo and Juliet, Bogie and Bacall, Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee, Ashford and Simpson—to name just a few.

Romance was immortalized in movies and music, usually portrayed as sweet, innocent, often quirky, all-encompassing and able to conquer all. In movies, Romance’s heyday was during the 1940’s film noir era. In music, Romance was paid tribute in such songs as The Isley Brothers’ For The Love Of You; Fats Domino’s I Want To Walk You Home; Freddy Jackson’s Rock Me Tonight (For Old Times’ Sake), Chaka Khan’s Through The Fire, Billy Ocean’s Suddenly, Prince’s Take Me With You and The Whispers’ In The Mood. Other supporters of romance were Joe, Luther Vandross, Barry White and William “Smokey” Robinson.

Over the years, Romance began to break down—starting with the end of chivalry and the summer love—the latter which was due largely to the demise of the house party. Soon Romance was being mistaken for cheap imitations the one-night stand and first-date-oral-sex. Romance lost its luster when pornographers and record producers began making songs and films glorifying quick and casual sex. Despite diseases like herpes, AIDS, genital warts and the rebirth of gonorrhea, the 80s and 90s saw a boom in sex without caring. Teen sex soon became the rage, to which Romance—always known for “keeping it real,”—quipped,  “Teen sex in the movies is just like teen sex in real life: The people involved need some direction and its usually over in forty seconds.”

Nonetheless, Romance lost touch with its core audience, young hearts. Young people became desensitized by the bombardment of explicit sexual lyrics and imagery. During this time, the idea of “courting” someone was ridiculed into early retirement. Romance soon became mistaken for the four F’s”: Foul language, fellatio, freaky dancing, and f—ing. “Romance was the quintessential ‘old friend,’ said long-time partner Like. “It will be greatly missed.”

“There was never anyone more beautiful,” said Joy.

“I enjoyed every minute I ever spent in romance,” said marriage, which is also in ill health and had to be contacted through a third-party at a convalescent home.

Romance is survived by younger brothers Slow Dance and Hand Holding; sisters Hope, Kiss On The Cheek and estranged cousins, Leer and Copped feel. Romance was preceded in death by Good Manners, Common Sense, and Respect For Elders.

Romance will be cremated and its ashes scattered over the hearts of those old enough to remember the phrase, “They’re playing our song.”

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